Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
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Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.