me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Hot hot hot 🥵
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.