“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?