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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”