I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach