What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
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Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.