Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
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Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.