BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
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When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.