I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I’m not stressed
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.