Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.