If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
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[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
rapatouille
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
My inexpensive home security system…