the official breakfast of 2021
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”