Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
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Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Actually cracking up @ this
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.