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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way