So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
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being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no