What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
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Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.