My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
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Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it