today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
*cough*
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.