I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
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Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.