Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
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Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.