Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
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I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.