When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
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Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
sigh
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.