No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos