*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Blew out my flip flop…
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
No, YOUR illiterate.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children