“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Festive toon…
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
$3 #books
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
pls suprot