[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
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Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket