To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Oh my God.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it