Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
You Might Also Like
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”