In Canada they just call them geese
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
what’s really going on
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Barbie gone wild
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Just as the prophecy foretold