*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup