NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
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WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend