Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Itâs hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say âsurely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.â
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you itâs cold out, itâs cold out.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: iâm telling you
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
đđđ
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after theyâve given you the Heimlich?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my âHonk, if you love Jesusâ bumper sticker but I canât help wondering if itâs because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– Thatâs okay. Iâd really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
If you text your boss that you canât come in and include the poop emoji, he doesnât ask any questions.