I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
You Might Also Like
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Many hands make light work
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I think we should hear other voices.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Oh no
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician