Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Body by cheese-puffs.