My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
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As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry