I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
You Might Also Like
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I have obtained a hat
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out