Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me