I hope this email punches you square in the face
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Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles