People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I hope it’s French Onion!
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?