Lmaoo 😂
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[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Not even remotely sorry.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.