We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
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I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”