Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
when revenge coincides with naptime
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Watermelon Boss!
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.