[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
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ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Worst perfume name ever.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”