Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
You Might Also Like
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
was Jim off killing horses or…
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.