You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
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Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Don’t talk down to me
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?