(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Why is no one talking about this?!
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.