Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
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one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Planet of the Apps.