Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
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older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots