Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…