Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
john wicks are toilet candles
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx